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nn5n: SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log
SCP-1459 Extended Testing LogRate: 615
SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log

Additional experiments carried out with SCP-1459. See original documentation for more details.

Standard format:

Player: The individual carrying out the experiment.
Statement: Method of extermination dictated to SCP-1459.
Result: Action performed upon SCP-1459-1.
Note: Additional documentation (optional).


Deceased instance of SCP-1459-1.

Player: Dr. Lindquist
Statement: "Sunday night football."
Result: SCP-1459-1 remained unharmed for four (4) days, during which time it was provided with food, water, and plush bedding. At 8:30 PM CDT the following evening, SCP-1459 produced a football cleat attached to a hydraulic kicking mechanism which knocked SCP-1459-1 into the front window at high speed.

Player: Dr. Lindquist
Statement: "Matricide."
Result: Despite being a juvenile, SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior consistent with a mature canine going into labor. Half an hour later, three (3) unidentified creatures resembling crustaceans emerged from SCP-1459-1's vagina and proceeded to pull apart and consume the SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Reich
Statement: "Mutiny at sea."
Result: SCP-1459's chamber was partially flooded with water, and a small wooden raft was produced with two additional instances of SCP-1459-1. The original instance of SCP-1459-1 was provided with a small tri-cornered cap, and began to bark aggressively at the other two instances. Both instances appeared to nod towards each other before pouncing on the original instance and forcing it underwater. The raft then capsized, causing the additional instances to drown after 8 minutes.

Player: Dr. Iqbal
Statement: "Assassination."
Result: A robotic arm descended from SCP-1459's hatch and placed a stovepipe hat scaled to fit a juvenile canine upon SCP-1459-1's head. Several other robotic arms then emerged armed with a variety of implements and weaponry, and proceeded to stab SCP-1459-1 multiple times, bludgeon it, and orally administer at least thirteen different substances in a forcible manner. While SCP-1459-1 appeared to be deceased immediately following this activity, a single robotic arm lowered from hatch three minutes later carrying a rifle, which was then used to shoot SCP-1459-1 in the cranial area. Despite the presence of a single firearm and only one documented shot fired, a second bullet hole in SCP-1459-1's head spontaneously appeared during this time.

Player: Dr. Nark
Statement: “My 'leet' skills.”
Result: An empty television frame attached to a robotic arm descended from SCP-1459’s hatch alongside SCP-1459-1. SCP-1459-1 was placed behind the television frame from the perspective of Dr. Nark. A second robotic arm carrying a Type-95 assault rifle descended in front of the television frame. SCP-1459-1 was fired at through the television frame until expiration.

Player: Dr. Damm
Statement: "Dog fighting."
Result: A miniature airplane was lowered into SCP-1459 by a robotic arm. The airplane was a single-seat open-cockpit biplane with miniaturized machine guns mounted to the wings, and the side of the plane was adorned with the French flag; the plane was scaled down so that its cockpit was properly sized for an pre-adolescent canine. The robotic arm then placed SCP-1459-1 into the plane's cockpit, after which the plane began to fly around the interior chamber. After one minute, SCP-1459's hatch opened and a second miniature airplane, piloted by a second instance of SCP-1459-1, flew into the chamber. This airplane was identical to the first, except it displayed the flag of the German Empire rather than the French flag. The two airplanes circled around each other for three minutes. After several near-collisions, the French airplane opened fire on the German airplane, damaging one of its wings. The German airplane fired back at the French airplane, shooting the plane down and killing the first SCP-1459-1 instance in the process. The German airplane then crashed, presumably due to the damage it had sustained, killing the second SCP-1459-1 instance.

Player: Dr. Talan
Statement: "Surprise me."
Result: SCP-1459 remained inactive for approximately 15 minutes. During the period of inactivity, SCP-1459-1 began moving in an agitated manner within SCP-1459. The instance was observed to look repeatedly towards the hatch in SCP-1459's ceiling. At the end of the 15 minute inactive period, the SCP-1459's hatch opened. SCP-1459-1 stopped all movement and sat down, staring fixedly at the hatch. Dr. Talan was observed to step closer to the observation windows, also staring at the hatch. After another five minutes of inactivity, a series of loud noises, bright lights, and frightening images typical of 'screamer' viruses and images emanated from the hatch in rapid succession. SCP-1459-1 jumped approximately 30 cm into the air before collapsing. Dr. Talan clutched his chest above his heart before collapsing and going into cardiac arrest. After 30 seconds of inactivity, one robotic arm was lowered into SCP-1459. It then prodded the instance of SCP-1459-1 twice before the instance fell through the trapdoor in the floor.
Notes: Dr. Talan is expected to make a full recovery. Additionally, SCP-1459 dispensed two tablets determined to be B████ brand aspirin rather than a cookie.

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "Immortality."
Result: A mechanical arm pulled SCP-1459-1 into the ceiling hatch. Pained vocalizations were heard from SCP-1459-1 for approximately thirty minutes, followed by another thirty minutes of silence. The hatch opened a second time and SCP-1459-1 was lowered back into the chamber, preserved through taxidermy and displayed on a stand with a small plaque reading "Our Hero".

Player: None
Statement: n/a
Result: On 10/13/██ without any prompting an instance of SCP-1459-1 materialized in a flash of light. It was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. SCP-1459 then deposited a Mint White Chocolate cookie.

Player: Dr. King
Statement: "Zero Gravity"
Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed under a tremendous pile of appleseeds.
Why did I expect anything different to happen? -Dr. King

Player: Dr. Edison
Statement: "Are We Cool Yet?"
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] leaving the corpse of the SCP-1459-1 instance suspended in mid-air, orbiting the singing head of Abraham Lincoln.

Player: Jr. Researcher Kitterman
Statement: "Firing Squad."
Result: German Shepherd instance of SCP-1459-1 emerged tied to a post. A blind fold was affixed and a cigarette inserted into the corner of its mouth and lit. Five additional Pit Bull Terrier SCP-1459-1 instances emerged in uniforms consistent with those use by American Expeditionary Forces in WWI, carrying miniature rifles. One instance barked three times (presumably to indicate "ready, aim, fire") as the remaining four fired at the restrained instance, killing it.
Note: Taps was played over the normal closing statement during clean up.

Player: Dr. Laries
Statement: “Complete knowledge of the Universe.”
Result: A small bucket labeled "B█████ ██ █████" was lowered into SCP-1459. SCP-1459-1 walked over to the bucket, looked inside, and began to whine and cry. It then ran away from the bucket while still whining, smashing headfirst into one of SCP-1459's observation windows, resulting in its death.

Player: Dr. Harper
Statement: "Poker."
Result: Five additional instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, along with a miniature poker table and chips. Each instance gathered around the table and proceeded to play a game of poker. Instances that lost all their chips were promptly beaten to death with a fireplace poker. After the game, the winner was given a treat and promptly beaten to death with a gold-painted fireplace poker.
Note: SCP-1459 dispensed 6 cigars rather than a cookie.

Player: Researcher Prescott
Statement: “Absolute Zero”
Result: Two robotic arms came out of the hatch carrying a table with a digital thermometer securely placed on top of it. Soon afterwards, the chamber’s temperature started to drop quickly. One hour after reaching 0.01 K without further changes, SCP-1459-1 was struck with a hammer and shattered.

Player: Dr. Reed
Statement "Beer"
Result: Three tubes extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459 and were inserted into the mouth and nostrils of SCP-1459-1. A yellow liquid (assumed to be beer) then flowed through the tubes. SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior exhibited by canines drowning for three (3) minutes and forty-one (41) seconds.

Player: Dr. Nepale
Statement: "Wrapped in a net."
Result: Four robotic arms came out of the hatch, one of which was holding a large flexible mesh of thin metal wire. The arms stretched out the mesh on each of its corners over SCP-1459-1 until all the gaps were congruent with each other. Afterwards, the arms brought the mesh down instantaneously under SCP-1459-1. The subject stood still for three seconds, after which all of its flesh and blood collapsed abruptly. The arms then wrapped the pile with the mesh and brought it into the hatch.
Note: The cookie was dispensed in four perfectly cut pieces.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Cannon."
Result: Four robotic arms extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459. Two proceeded to pick up SCP-1459-1, while a third holding what appeared to be a cannon and a fourth holding a █████ brand lighter. SCP-1459-1 was then forced into the cannon. The cannon was aimed at the front of SCP-1459 and the fuse lit by the lighter. After around 30 seconds, the cannon fired SCP-1459-1 directly towards the front panel of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Forcible ejection from SCP-1459."
Result: SCP-1459 appeared to ignore this statement, as if unaware of its classification as SCP-1459. Second test performed with SCP-1459 referred to as "Win A Cookie Crane Machine" resulted in same outcome. Reason hypothesized to be due to the impenetrable nature of SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "Freedom."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Sterling
Statement: "All previous methods simultaneously."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted, and continued playing for 4 hours 25 minutes.

Player: Dr. █████████
Statement: "Methamphetamine."
Result: A nozzle extends from the top hatch, and begins exuding pale grey smoke in copious amounts. SCP-1459-1 begins appearing agitated at around the five minute mark, also seems to have difficulty breathing. As the smoke fills the chamber completely, SCP-1459-1 displays signs of distress and pain, before suffering a seizure roughly ten minutes into the test. At roughly fifteen minutes, visibility within SCP-1459 is reduced, though SCP-1459-1 is still visible, wandering the interior of SCP-1459 in an irregular circle. Two minutes later with visibility near zero, a dull thud is heard and SCP-1459 begins self-cleaning procedure. Cause of death hypothesized to be either stroke or heart failure, based on known overdose symptoms.
Note: Cookie contained clear blue shards of an unknown material testing later showed to simply be blue raspberry rock candy.

Player: Dr. Ford
Statement: Volcano
Result: The top hatch opens. After about 5 minutes molten lava is dispensed and falls onto SCP-1459-1, burying it completely. After a few seconds of sizzling the lava is dumped into the bottom chute.
Note: Cookie was chocolate with hot fudge filling.

Player: Dr. Trend
Statement: "Professional Wrestling."
Result: Another instance of SCP-1459-1, wearing a tight-fitting outfit, was dispensed. The second SCP-1459-1 instance proceeded to grab the original SCP-1459-1 instance and toss the instance head-first on to the ground, in a similar fashion to a "suplex" technique, presumably snapping the neck of the SCP-1459-1 instance. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Skial
Statement: "Digested."
Result: Another, larger instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed. It proceeded to pick up the original SCP-1459-1 and swallow it. After about 30 minutes the second instance excreted waste, which had bone fragments lining the surface. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Cookie was double chocolate flavored.

Player: Dr. █████
Statement: "Irony"
Result: The top hatch opens. After 15 minutes, a metallic tray, approximately .5m x .75m x .01m in dimension, holding one dozen chocolate chip cookies is lowered and set before SCP-1459-1 by two arms. After an additional 3 minutes, instance of SCP-1459-1 proceeds to ingest cookies vigorously. SCP-1459-1 ingests five cookies within 2 minutes, then [REDACTED]. SCP-1459-1 proceeded to combust and was rapidly incinerated. Deceased SCP-1459-1, remaining three cookies, tray and [REDACTED].
Note: Awarded cookie was chocolate chip. Extensive testing of cookie found no anomalous or aberrant toxins or substances except ██mg more magnesium than typical of chocolate chip cookies dispensed by SCP-1459.

Player: Dr. Black
Statement: "Infinite regress"
Result: A miniature replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch, crushing the SCP-1459-1 instance. A replica of the SCP-1459-1 instance is placed within the SCP-1459 replica via a metal arm. A miniature replica of the replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch of the SCP-1459 replica, crushing the SCP-1459-1 replica. This process is repeated until the SCP-1459 replicas become too small to observe.
Note: Cookie was dispensed after 35 days.

Player: Dr. Walker
Statement: "Retroactive Cessation of Existence"
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.
Note: Despite the indication that this method had already been attempted, SCP-1459 dispensed a plain cookie.

Player: Dr. Milo
Statement: "Euthanasia roller coaster"
Result: Standard roller coaster track similar in appearance to the original roller coaster experiment, but of slightly larger width, constructed leading 45° upwards into the ceiling trap door. Approximately ninety minutes later, the ceiling hole expanded. Track at a slightly downward-sloping angle, facing the opposite direction as the original, was constructed leading directly into the front viewing window, presumably somehow contiguous with the initial portion. SCP-1459-1 instance picked up and deposited into a roller coaster car, which immediately began to ascend along the track at a steady pace into the ceiling hole. Twelve minutes later, the cart and SCP-1459-1 were observed to coast back down the other visible track portion and gently bump into the window, halting the cart. SCP-1459-1 retrieved by a robotic arm, deceased.
Notes: Track was dismantled, while the clean-up devices did not appear. Message played as usual.

Player: Dr. Milo
Statement: "Supernova"
Result: After a two-minute pause, SCP-1459-1 deposited as usual. It was then bludgeoned by robotic arms wielding an electric guitar (subsequently identified as an Epiphone Supernova model) and a synthesizer keyboard (subsequently identified as a Novation Supernova model), after which the robotic arms shot it several times with a shotgun (subsequently identified as a Benelli Supernova model).
Notes: Rather than cookie, 80g of radioactive ash was dispensed. Dr. Milo reassigned to paperwork, and to mandatory astronomy education.

Player: Dr. Villmow
Statement: "Not a dog; bludgeoning"
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Aeslinger, Psy.D.
Statement: "Um…what?"
Result: SCP-1459-1 was dispensed with a collar flashing the following messages at the player:

  1. "Take one puppy." Message was visible for approximately 4 seconds as SCP-1459-1 ambled around inside SCP-1459.
  2. "State method of destruction." Message was visible for approximately 6 seconds while SCP-1459 played a looped sample of Dr. Aeslinger saying "Um…what."
  3. "Puppy is then destroyed according to specified requirements." Message was visible for approximately 5 seconds before SCP-1459-1 was forcibly liquified. Collar remained both untouched and functional, and uncovered by liquified remains.
  4. "COOKIE!" Message was visible for approximately 2 seconds before collar stopped displaying messages altogether and a cookie was dispensed as usual.

Note: Dr. Aeslinger was not aware of SCP-1459's nature and in fact was not scheduled to be in Sector-25 at all. Cookie dispensed was raspberry surprise.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Black Hole"
Result: SCP-1459's arms spent approx. 19 hours constructing what appeared to be a miniature cyclic particle accelerator. Once completed, an instance of SCP-1459-1 (teacup chihuahua) was dispensed in the center. The particle accelerator activated, shaking violently for several minutes before bursting open at one end, revealing a marble-sized black hole, the gravitational pull of which proceeded to draw in and crush the remains of the accelerator. SCP-1459-1 itself was quickly pulled towards the black hole before slowing down and appearing to "freeze" in place, with visible evidence of spaghettification on its ears and muzzle. SCP-1459-1's body slowly red-shifted to solid black before fading to complete invisibility over the course of 23 minutes. Black hole immediately dissipated afterwards. SCP-1459's main components were undamaged.
Notes: Cookie dispensed was made with pure, unsweetened dark chocolate (100% cocoa solids).

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Unfunny Jokes"
Result: Window to SCP-1459's chamber was immediately covered by a pair of red curtains. Approx. 15 minutes later, curtains were drawn to reveal instance of SCP-1459-1 (Pembroke Welsh Corgi) standing on a miniature stage with a microphone stand and red brick backdrop lit with a single spotlight. SCP-1459-1 wore only a large, red-and-green bow tie. SCP-1459-1 barked three times into the microphone, then paused and looked around the chamber, as if awaiting a response. Sounds of jeering and booing are heard, followed by several mechanical arms rising up from the floor and hurling what appear to be tomatoes at SCP-1459-1 in rapid succession, quickly pelting it to death. More tomatoes were thrown until SCP-1459-1's body was completely obscured. Corpse was quickly disposed of via a mechanical arm wielding a shepherd's crook.
Notes: Ending message was changed to "that's the way the cookie crumbles". Small pile of cookie crumbs dispensed afterwards.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Go to hell"
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) released as normal. Entire chamber glowed a deep red, followed by small flames erupting along edge of windows. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared from side of chamber, much larger in size than the first instance, with a skeletal body and three heads, each wearing an elastic headband with small plastic "devil" horns. Second instance barks six times, one head barking twice after the other. A trapdoor immediately opens up underneath first instance of SCP-1459-1, sending it plummeting out of sight with a frightened whine. A plume of flames erupts from the trapdoor for six seconds before shutting. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 was killed afterwards as the chamber's light shifted from red to blue and the flames went out. Temperatures within SCP-1459 dropped below freezing as remaining SCP-1459-1 froze to death over the course of six seconds, shattered via hammer once completely frozen.
Note: Cookie dispensed was Fig Newton. Although not displaying any anomalous or dangerous properties, Dr. Snider reported that Fig Newtons are his least favorite kind of cookie.

Player: Dr. Selvece
Statement: "Something incomprehensible."
Result: A pair of mechanical hands emerged from the roof of SCP-1459, carrying a copy of Finnegans' Wake by James Joyce; said copy was then used to beat the instance of SCP-1459-1 to death.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Dubstep."
Result: Two speakers with no cables attached are lowered from the top by mechanical arms, and put on the back side of the chamber. After the mechanical arms retracted to the roof, the speakers started playing music, identified as dubstep music, with volume gradually increasing. After 20 seconds, Dr. Snider was given protective headphones. It is hypothesized that the volume inside the chamber was an approximate 15█ dB before the instance of SCP-1459-1 deceased, presumably from internal bleeding.
Note: A cookie with popping candy was disposed.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Stretch."
Result: SCP-1459 played the sound effect indicating the method had been previously used.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Photoshop."
Result: Multiple mechanical arms started to make numerous surgical modifications to the SCP-1459-1 instance (such as removing a leg and attaching it to its back), until the instance died of blood loss.
Note: A cookie with four different ingredients on four sides was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Snider
Statement: "Kittenpocalypse."
Results: A currently unknown number of juvenile domestic felines (Felis catus) were disposed from the roof of SCP-1459, which attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance until it deceased. The rest of the felines were disposed of via a trapdoor, and unwilling felines were killed via SCP-1459's default bludgeoning method.
Note: A short beep sound was played during the ending sequence.

Player: Dr. Shiro
Statement: "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason."
Result: SCP-1459 played the sound effect indicating the method had been previously used.

Player: Dr. Shiro
Statement: "The dawn of a new age"
Result: A 2'' x 8'' x 18'' black stone was lowered into the chamber along with several SCP-1459-1 instances. SCP-1459-1 instances split into 2 groups, one gathering around the stone and the others grouping in the far side of the chamber. Instances gathered around the stone spend several minutes observing it before attacking and killing the members of the other group. Surviving SCP-1459-1 instances are killed via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Ending message changed to "So much for enlightenment". Fudge brownie with dimensions of .5'' x 2'' x 4.5'' containing walnuts dispensed.

Player: Dr. Heikkila
Statement: "Something that I would find funny"
Result: SCP-1459 slowly lowered an instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a miniature Christmas sweater to the tune of the theme of the 1984 film Terminator. After approximately half a minute, a mechanical hand lowered a jar filled with what were tentatively identified as driver ants (Dorylus). The hand then smashed the jar on the chamber floor in front of SCP-1459-1. The ants began to bite and tear at SCP-1459-1, which attempted to escape the chamber. After 2 minutes of this, SCP-1459-1 collapsed, twitching. A spiked bowling ball then fell on SCP-1459-1's skull, crushing it. The bowling ball then exploded in fireworks. The remains of SCP-1459-1 and the ants were then swept up in a dustpan with a miniature broom while a sound bite of the death noise from the video game Super Mario Brothers 3 played. Confetti then rained from the ceiling of SCP-1459, and the sound of a party-blower played. During all of this, Dr. Heikkila was chuckling softly to himself.
Note: The cookie was dispensed with a note taped on it that read "I know you don't like cookies". The cookie was tested for any anomalous properties, but none have been identified. Dr. Heikkila has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Apocalypse."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The wrath of God."
Result: SCP-1459-1 struck by a bolt of lightning from within SCP-1459 and instantly killed.
Note: Dr. Muse took a brief respite for his sight and hearing to recover before continuing.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "The Four Pseudo-Puppies of the Apocalypse."
Result: Three Shih Tzu instances SCP-1459-1 descended from the hatch, one with a crown and white fur, one with a combat knife in its mouth and red fur, and one heavily emaciated with black fur. The white instance tackled SCP-1459-1 to the ground and then perched atop it as the red instance began stabbing the downed SCP-1459-1 and the black instance began mauling it. After thirty seconds, what appeared to be the animated skeleton of a Shih Tzu puppy descended from the hatch and dragged the remains into the trapdoor, followed by the three other instances.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "Eviscerated by an inconceivable amount of dog-produced bees."
Result: SCP-1459-1's eyes popped out as an indeterminate number of bees flew out of its various orifices and began stinging it, with more bees continuing to exit the instance's body until the chamber was filled with bees. A mechanical arm carrying a vacuum descended shortly thereafter and removed the bees, then swept the cleanly disemboweled corpse of SCP-1459-1 into the trapdoor.
Note: A honey cookie with raisins was dispensed.

Player: Dr. Muse
Statement: "Consumed by one non-anomalous goldfish of ordinary size."
Result: Chamber filled to half capacity with water and SCP-1459-1 submerged to its neck by a mechanical arm. A single normal goldfish was lowered into the water and proceeded to consume SCP-1459-1 overnight.
Note: Despite the goldfish consuming the instance of SCP-1459-1 at the expected rate of a goldfish consuming a puppy, personnel returned in the morning to the sight of the water, SCP-1459-1's bones, and a bloated goldfish draining into the hatch.

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Yāozhǎn." (Translation: 'Waist chop', a form of execution in ancient China.)
Result: SCP-1459 lowers a small wooden bench fitted with restraints into the chamber. SCP-1459-1 instance is seized by mechanical arms and forced to lie supine on the bench. Another arm, bearing a modified hacksaw, descends and proceeds to saw the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to a hemicorporecomy (translumbar amputation).

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Lingchi." (Translation: 'Death by a thousand cuts.')
Result: As the SCP-1459-1 instance cowers prone, it is sliced by several blades on the limbs and posterior torso. SCP-1459-1 rolls over supine (common in canine body language to express submission or helplessness) and the blades continue to slice at the exposed abdomen. The last cut is to the bared throat of the SCP-1459-1 instance, severing the carotid artery and allowing the instance to expire.

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Chángchéng." (Translation: 'Long Fortification', or more commonly, 'Great Wall'.)
Result: After a one-minute interval, SCP-1459 produces a folding table and laptop, scaled down so as to be commensurate with the provided SCP-1459-1 instance. The laptop is seen to display various content currently censored by the mainland Chinese government, including websites dedicated to pornography, the Taiwanese government, the Dalai Lama, and pro-democracy movements. SCP-1459 then produces three more instances of SCP-1459-1 wearing the uniform of the Public Security Bureau, which proceed to attack and kill the first instance.
Note: "Huh. I was not expecting that. Forgot it could mean the Great Firewall, too…" - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Hong
Statement: "Wanli chángchéng." (Translation: 'Ten-Thousand-League Long Fortification', more commonly referred to as the Great Wall of China.)
Result: One dozen instances of SCP-1459-1 are released, along with tools and building materials that include stone, brick, earth, and wood. Instances proceed to build a scale model of a portion of the Great Wall of China complete with battlements, guard and signal towers, barracks, and stairways. The work is clearly strenuous and hazardous; all but one of the SCP-1459-1 instances die during construction, the last collapsing and appearing to expire soon after completion. A thirteenth SCP-1459-1 instance, released after the completion of the Wall, whines upon seeing the other deceased instances and jumps off the parapet of the highest tower, dying on impact.
Note: "Now *that's* more like it." - Dr. Hong

Player: Dr. Morgenstern.
Statement: "Fifth Church"
Result: One instance was released, which transformed into a miniature clone of actor Robert Downey Jr. Instance proceeded to vomit thick, black smoke from its mouth for twelve minutes before transforming back. SCP-1459-1 seemed to suffer no ill effects. A pair of mechanical hands emerged from SCP-1459's ceiling with a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, which was used to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 to death.
Note: Cookie dispensed was mint and in a star shape. Had a burned taste, as if over baked.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung
Statement: "Antimatter"
Result: SCP-1459-1 crushed to death by a miniature replica of a quadrupole magnet from the CERN Antiproton Decelerator.

Player: Dr. Verzweiflung
Statement: "Titanium"
Result: A horizontal slot appeared on one side of SCP-1459 and ejected at high speed a silvery disc, which cleanly sliced off the head of SCP-1459-1 before shattering against the opposite wall of the enclosure. Subsequent analysis of video footage identified the disc as a CD single of the song "Titanium" by the French musician David Guetta.

Player: Dr. Gordon
Statement: "Spine Rip"
Result: A 76.2 centimeter tall door opened, allowing a similarly sized duplicate of the Mortal Kombat character Sub-Zero to enter SCP-1459. Sub-Zero gripped SCP-1459-1 by the back of the neck, tore SCP-1459-1's head and spine from its body, then held up the head and spine like a trophy, while a deep voice was heard declaring, "Sub-Zero wins! Fatality!"

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Titanic reenactment"
Result: The chamber was partially flooded with water and ██ icecubes were dropped into water. A small wooden raft and total of two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Cocker Spaniel instance was placed on the raft, while a gray mutt instance was dropped into the freezing water. After an exchange of few barks, the swimming instance sank and drowned. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method before chamber drained itself.
Note: A single cookie of seafood flavor was produced.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "300 reenactment"
Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced and the bottom chute automatically opened. Both instances bark at each other. One then gives three loud distinctive barks and pounces the other instance in the open chute. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method.

Player: Dr. Davidson
Statement: "Puppy centipede"
Result: One Shiba Inu instance of SCP-1459-1 and two Cocker Spaniel instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. A mechanical arm then proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED]. The middle instance was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Two cookies were produced, resembling chocolate chip cookies, but with corn instead of chocolate chips.

Player: Dr. Davidson's assistant
Statement: "Jesus Christ!" (statement uttered in shock after hearing an explanation of SCP-1459's function)
Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Mechanical arms then placed three upright standing crosses in the middle of the chamber and bolted three of the instances, each to one cross. SCP-1459 then produced a scalpel sized polearm and one of the mechanical arms poked a side of the instance bolted to the middle cross, while another arm equipped the same instance with a thorn crown. All three instances were terminated 6 hours later due to their injuries. All remaining instances were terminated via the default bludgeoning method.
Note: Three cookies were produced, one of them dipped in wine. According to security cam's footage, █ days later SCP-1459's bottom chute opened on its own and instance of SCP-1459-1 identical to the instance bolted to the middle cross crawled out of the chute. 15 minutes later SCP-1459 proceeded to its default bludgeoning method of instance termination.

Player: Dr. Gallagher
Statement: Dr. Gallagher did not state a method,and proceeded to scream for the entirety of the 15-second countdown.
Result: After a single instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a miniature version of Dr. Gallagher was materialized,and proceeded bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to SCP-1459's default method of termination, while screaming at approximately 150db for 5 minutes.
Note: The cookie produced was of the chocolate-chip variety; testing revealed it to contain toxic amounts of capsaicin.

Player: Research Assistant Taylor
Statement: "Time Travel."
Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had already been attempted.

Player: Dr. John
Statement: "Emptying the Recycle Bin"
Result: A trash bin was dispensed then emptied into a trapdoor despite being already empty. SCP-1459 then proceeded to default bludgeoning method

Player: Dr. B███████e
Statement: "The Power of Rock"
Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 was lowed into SCP-1459, where-in it was promptly crushed by a large stone released from the top of the machine. As the remains of SCP-1459 where flushed down the trapdoor, a fragment of the song "█████ █████" by ██/██ was heard by observers. SCP-1459 then released one peanut butter cookie.

Player: Agent Fleir.
Statement: "Limit Break".
Result: 2 instances of 1459-1 were deposited on opposite sides of the box, one terrier with a gray wig with hair that covers the sides of its head and one golden retriever with its fur sticking up so that it resembles what appears to be blonde hair. The terrier was armed with a Masamune sword, while the golden retriever was armed with an unknown sword much bigger than the actual dog. After staring at the other instance for approximately 5 seconds, the retriever suddenly rushed the terrier and slashed at it multiple times, despite the unwieldiness of the sword. Two seconds afterwards, the terrier collapsed, dead on the spot. The golden retriever then died of exhaustion shortly afterwards and both instances of 1459-1 were removed via trapdoor.

Player: Junior Researcher Kim
Statement: “Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.”
Result: A single instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, and the traditional bludgeoning technique was used. When the technique was finished, An extra 2 seconds of an SCP-1459-1 instance being bludgeoned was created by unknown means. Cookie was a typical frosted sugar cookie which the words "lol. get pranked scrub" written in frosting on top of it.

Player: Junior Researcher Jenkins
Statement: "The last means of disposal this machine will ever use."
Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed.
Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Oatmeal Raisin Cookie, redeemable on ██/██/█████ AD" printed on it in a monospace font.

page revision: 157, last edited: 16 Feb 2017 16:25
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