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nn5n: scp-3410 "It's just fucking golf!"
EuclidSCP-3410 "It's just fucking golf!"Rate: 30
SCP-3410

Item #: SCP-3410

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3410 is to be kept in an inanimate item storage locker equipped with motion-sensing devices. When vibration is detected, the liaison at the Unusual Incidents Unit's Foxburg office must be immediately notified of the activation event. The object is housed at Site 179 due to the Site's proximity to SCP-3410's target area of activation.

Site 179 staff must include at least one individual who is able to play a nine-hole game of golf, and who owns at least one share of stock in the Quaker State oil company. It is recommended that multiple personnel fulfilling these criteria be available. Qualifying personnel must familiarize themselves with Procedure 410-Charleston. As repeated exposure has been found to increase an individual's susceptibility to the item's influence, no individual should be a participant in Procedure 410-Charleston on more than three occasions.

Description: SCP-3410 is a hand-hammered gutta percha rubber golf ball, a type commonly used near the end of the 19th century. Its surface is marked with a semi-regular rectangular grid pattern; the initials MC&D are stamped along one seam. It shows signs of wear consistent with occasional use, but has not noticeably aged since its acquisition by the Bureau of Investigations in 1931.

Activation events occur between three months and three years after the most recent activation event. SCP-3410 will begin to vibrate, producing an audible rattle or rustle against surfaces or within containers. After approximately 24 hours, this vibration will abruptly cease, and SCP-3410 will translocate into the vicinity of the current owner (hereafter SCP-3410-A) of the Foxburg Country Club in Foxburg, PA. It will continue to reappear in this manner while active, regardless of having been damaged or destroyed.

The presence of SCP-3410 exerts a cognitohazardous effect on SCP-3410-A. They will experience a desire to seek out an owner (hereafter SCP-3410-B) of the Quaker State oil company and engage them in a game of golf at Foxburg Country Club.1 During this game, the behavior of both individuals and some elements of gameplay will be influenced by the anomaly. SCP-3410-A will experience a continuous series of misfortunes during the activation event. It is unclear whether the anomaly locally affects causality, or merely manipulates SCP-3410-A's perceptions and emotions to maximize negative outcomes.

If SCP-3410-A does not have access to a suitable SCP-3410-B or the golf course at Foxburg Country Club, they will attempt to find substitutes. The level of hostility displayed by SCP-3410-A increases markedly the more different the activation event becomes from the target conditions.2 SCP-3410-B is also subject to a minor cognitohazardous effect, which reduces their reactive empathy towards SCP-3410-A. However, neither participant suffers long-term anomalous ill effects.

Correct execution of Procedure 410-Charleston can limit the altercation between SCP-3410-A and SCP-3410-B to a heated exchange of words on the green of the ninth hole.3

The time between activation events is longer when a procedure is successful, and shorter if it fails. Successful activation events are characterized by the presence and sincerity of an apology and acceptance at the conclusion of the final argument, as described below. In procedures where a sarcastic "fake apology" was used instead,4 the next activation occurred during the worst weather conditions possible in the timeframe.

Foxburg Country Club's status as a US historical property precludes its acquisition by the Foundation at this time. Therefore, containment of SCP-3410 will require the cooperation of the Unusual Incidents Unit in Procedure 410-Charleston for the forseeable future.

Procedure 410-Charleston: This partial transcript is intended to familiarize security and medical personnel with key features of Procedure 410-Charleston. Potential participants should also review complete instructions in Document 3410-1b.

Video Description: Procedure 410-Charleston concludes with an argument, as shown in the example transcript below. Participants are Agent Frank Auerbach (UIU Foxburg: SCP-3410-A) and Dr. Alice Dunlop (Level 1 researcher, Site 179: SCP-3410-B).

< Begin Transcript >

Auerbach: And then the fucking hornets!

Auerbach swats at his arms and torso. Both participants are emerging from tangled undergrowth north of the green.

Auerbach: This painkiller gel just runs right off when I fucking sweat and it hurts all over again!

Dunlop: Look I'm really, really sorry about the chicken dance after you stepped on that nest. You're right, it wasn't funny, I just…

Auerbach: You just thought it was goddamn funny! I swear to god, Alice, if I hadn't tripped over this —

Auerbach forcefully throws SCP-3410 into a nearby stand of trees. It bounces off a tree trunk, striking him in the face. He doubles over, clutching his face and swearing. The participants are silent for a short time as medical staff examine Auerbach's face and give him an icepack for the developing bruise on his forehead.

Dunlop: It could be worse. You know Chang and Haraldson had to do it during the blizzard of '93.

Auerbach: Yeah that was REAL comforting. The first forty times you fucking said it.

Dunlop: What the hell else am I supposed to say? I said "Duck" when that duck flew behind you on the fourth fairway and you tripped over it!

Auerbach: Well you could have said "Stop," first of all —

Dunlop: That wouldn't have helped!

Auerbach: Ever since we got out here it's like everything you do is tailor made to fuck up my day!

Dunlop: It wasn't a plan, Frank! It's just fucking golf!

Auerbach: …Goddammit, Alice. Fucking finally. Okay.

Auerbach glowers, then sighs and extends a hand.

Auerbach: I'm sorry I was such an ass.

The participants exchange a firm handshake.

Dunlop: It's okay, Frank. You did good.

The concluding argument may or may not include an apology on the part of SCP-3410-A and/or acceptance of said apology by SCP-3410-B. Regardless, following this argument, the activation event is complete. SCP-3410 will cease to influence the minds of the participants, and may be returned to containment. The participants should nonetheless be separated promptly to avoid a non-anomalous renewal of hostilities.

Recovery: SCP-3410 has been in the custody of the US government in some capacity since 1931. It was brought to the attention of J. Edgar Hoover by the heirs of its original target, Foxburg Country Club founder Joseph Mickle Fox. Several current and former elected US officials, non-UIU members of the FBI, and descendants of the Fox family are aware of the item's existence. They are not considered a containment risk at this time.

The Foundation first learned of SCP-3410 in 2007. Then-President George W. Bush made use of a secure phone line in the Oval Office, designed to allow direct communication with the Foundation in case of emergencies.

Date of Log: September 26th, 2007.
Purpose: Preliminary request for cooperation in containment of SCP-3410.
Interviewees: George W. Bush (President, United States of America); Dr. Justine Higginbottom (Director, SCP Site 179), Shawn Haeger (Director, Unusual Incidents Unit)

< Begin Log >

Dr. Higginbottom: Mr. President. Dr. Justine Higginbottom here; Site 179 is standing by. What's the situation?

Mr. Bush: No immediate threat, Dr. Higginbottom. We recontaminated, the ah, this afternoon's irregularity, with no loss of life.

Dr. Higginbottom: One of ours? Security hasn't detected a breach —

Mr. Bush: No, ma'am. No, Doctor H., this was something our boys in black let slip through their radar. And it occurred to me you Foundation folks do a heck of a job with these little squirrely ones, you know what I mean?

Dr. Higginbottom: (Brief pause.) So this was a containment breach for an item in the custody of the Unusual Incidents Unit. If it's been recontained, where does the Foundation factor in?

Mr. Bush: It's kind of hard to explain, Doctor H. Look — you know that moon snake? Comes after me every full moon since I took the oath? I mean, the first time I got elected, Dad pulled me aside and gave me the talk. And I understand that, you know, I have to man up to the plate. But the last thing I need right now is another piece of junk out of Hoover's basement5 jumping in from nowhere to ruin the one part of my day I still actually enjoy. I was worried sick I'd have to deal with this crap every month, too. But our Mr. Haeger here tells me it was a god damn accident, pardon my French, ma'am.

Dr. Higginbottom: You're saying you were personally targeted by the anomaly.

Mr. Bush: Exactly, that is exactly what happened, Doctor H. Apparently, this thing here is a translo- Shawn, what did you call it a minute ago?

Mr. Haeger: A trans-locational irregularity with a periodic active targeting state, sir.

Mr. Bush: In regular English, Shawn.

Mr. Haeger: It teleports to the targeted individual upon activation, which occurs every —

Mr. Bush: Thank you, that's what I was asking. Did you get that, Doctor H?

Dr. Higginbottom: (Brief pause.) Yes indeed, Mr. President, that does bring some clarity to this afternoon's events. And speaking of SCP-2762… this wouldn't happen to relate to some sort of attempt to alter the item's targeting condition, would it?

On the Oval Office end of the line, several voices can be heard shouting at once. Mr. Bush, Mr. Haeger, and two other individuals were identified.

Mr. Bush: Well you didn't shoot it to the god damn moon, Shawn, and that's about the only thing your people did right. Some pencil-pushing egghead thought an irregular golf ball that goes after the owner of a national landmark would be a good idea to nationalize. It's just fucking golf, it's not rocket science, right guys?

Mr. Haeger: Mr. President, with all due respect —

Mr. Bush: I was trying to speak to the Doctor, here. Doctor, I'm calling you to ask if the Foundation will take this thing off our hands.

Dr. Higginbottom: Hypothetically… on behalf of my own Site, Mr. President, we'd be interested.

Soon afterwards, a transfer of custody was approved by the joint review committee, as required by the US - Foundation Treaty of 1948. Under the terms of this transfer, UIU Foxburg will cooperate in any procedure the Foundation develops, provided such procedure does not conflict with US law.

Based on available documentary evidence, the dispute which led Quaker State Oil Company's founder and first president, H.J. "Bud" Crawford, to commission SCP-3410 appears to have been minor. However, after 1895, Fox and Crawford only communicated with one another about activation events. The two men cooperated in attempting to keep SCP-3410's effects a secret until Fox's failing health left him unable to play golf, shortly before his death in 1918.

The following letter was obtained from Crawford's personal effects after his death in 1953. It is the earliest written record of the anomaly.

From the offices of Marshall, Carter [COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED] Dark,

To the right hon. Harold Jennings Crawford,

Sir,

You shall cease and desist from initiating further communications directed to Marshall, Carter and Dark, to its facilities, or to persons in its employ. By reading thus far you have already viewed the means by which your compliance will be assured.

As per previous correspondence, you sought our expertise in the resolution of a matter which you now, with vulgarity, decry as unworthy of the effort. You, sir, then disputed the price offered for prompt manufacture of the specified article. As was communicated to you at the time, the party who did accept a commission for the amount of your counter-offer was already on probationary status, due to persistent deficiencies in the quality and exactness of completed work. Their contract with us has since been discontinued.

Do enjoy your purchase, sir.

Farewell,

Hezekiah Carter, Esq.
February 2nd, 1899

page revision: 5, last edited: 23 Jan 2018 21:24
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