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nn5n: scp-3466 Only Birdbrains Live the American Dream
EuclidSCP-3466 Only Birdbrains Live the American DreamRate: 164
SCP-3466

Item #: SCP-3466

Object Class: Euclid

newbk

Regular meeting place of SCP-3466. Photo taken prior to Incident-3466-02.

Special Containment Procedures: Full containment is deferred to GoI-466 (Wilson's Wildlife Solutions) as per the Boring Agreement1. In summary of the Fourth Amendment of the Boring Agreement, instances of SCP-3466 are to be provided with activities that emulate employment and provided pay.

In case of a containment breach in which SCP-3466 is unable to be retrieved by GoI-466, Site-64's local MTF Beta-4 ("Castaways")2 is to assume full containment of SCP-3466 and keep them within the confines of Site-64's aviary enclosure. Site-64 is to implement Backup Containment Procedures, detailed further in the Fourth Amendment of the Boring Agreement.

For more details on the Boring Agreement, contact Site-64 administration for an up-to-date copy.

Description: SCP-3466 is a large murder of American crows (Corvus brachyrhynchos) which makes permanent residence in Clackamas County, Oregon, in particular in the town of Boring. Testing on crows in this murder commonly yields higher-than-average scores in problem solving, communication, facial recognition and initiative, as compared to other crows of similar species in the same region. Instances of SCP-3466 also appear to have a heightened sense of currency and business, bordering on sapient though not confirmed. Whether SCP-3466 uses anomalous methods to obtain real estate, business licenses, and other legal papers required to run a restaurant in the USA is currently under investigation; the influence of an outside entity has not yet been ruled out.

Initial reports of unusual behavior occurred on 3/16/2013, when GoI-466 received (and shared) several phone calls asking for immediate help with aggressive birds. All callers were attacked outside their homes; many mentioned several takeout food boxes on their doorsteps.

(Caller calls GoI-466. Employee of GoI-466 picks up, hereby referred to as Respondent.)

Respondent: Hello, you've reached Wilson's Wildlife. Is this about the birds?

Caller: Yes, it — have other people been attacked? They're outside my house and pecking at the windows!

Respondent: Please remain calm, a —

Caller: They're smart. They're damn smart, they are. They baited me, they left Burger King outside my door and attacked when I picked it up!

Respondent: Yes, some others have reported similar —

Caller: They stole my money, they have my wallet — they took it right out of my pocket!

Respondent: Yes, some others have reported similar occurrences. They should return your wallet.

Caller: Oh. Okay. (Pause.) Wait, what?

Respondent: So far, they've been returning the wallets with some of the change gone.

Caller: I —

Respondent: Now listen, we need you to tell us your address so we can take care of the situation. (Pause.) Sir?

Caller: Uh, they left.

Respondent: Have you suffered any injuries, any structural damage?

(Pause.)

Caller: No, they uh, they just left.

Respondent: So, do you still require assistance?

(Pause.)

Caller: No, I think I'll be good. Scared shitless, but otherwise alright. Uh… (Pause.) …later.

(Caller hangs up.)

Following this incident, local agents reported back to nearby Site-64, but it was deemed a mundane occurrence of unusually intelligent crows. Confirmed anomalous status and containment was achieved four months later, following Incident-3466-02.

Addendum-3466-A | Establishment of SCP-3466 Run Business (Incident-3466-02)
On 7/20/2013, a Burger King opened in a previously abandoned building by a lot on the Clackamas-Boring Highway. Following a call reporting the new chain (which had not been reported to be under construction) to be full of crows and devoid of staff, GoI-466 sent two employees to the scene. The following document was shared with the SCP Foundation following the confirmation of anomalous activity surrounding the crows (what GoI-466 classified as Slightly Unusual on their Unusuality Scale).

Response to Fast Food Crows

Goal

Discover intents / functions / any pertinent information of the crow-run Burger King chain on the Clackamas-Boring Highway.

Actors

Investigator / Feather Fanucchi
Investigator / Justin "Chickadee" Harp
Caller / Vincent Plymouth
Respondent / Gary Harp

Report

Transcriber / Feather Fanucchi

"Gary got the call from a man, Vincent Plymouth, that there was a Burger King on the Clackamas-Boring Highway. Myself and Chickadee geared up and went to the site of the incident, went inside, and all the crows were actually doing jobs. They focused on us, and we decided to move towards the counter where a bird with a big Burger King hat was on the cash register. The menu was all chicken scratch, but the pictures were all what was expected, so we ordered two cheeseburgers and a large fries. They couldn't understand what we said, so we pointed at the items on the menu. Some birds in the kitchen got to work.

We decided to let the situation play itself out and assess its threat and sat at one of the tables. In about thirty minutes, we had our cheeseburgers brought to us (they forgot the fries), and they were normal Burger King burgers. Unsure how they got the ingredients. After we were done, the crow from behind the counter brought us blank receipt paper. We estimated that two cheeseburgers were probably two dollars, so we put down two one-dollar bills. They didn't seem to understand that, so remembering the takeout incident from a few months back Chickadee put down some coins.

The crows seemed very excited, cawing and fluttering about, sharing the coins. Chickadee thought it was amusing and dumped out his whole coin purse. The crowd went wild. After some noise and coin flinging, they all seemed to calm down. They got quiet, but piped back up when we got up to leave so we sat back down. A big crow that carried a tie around with it gave a deep cackle, and all the crows scattered back into the kitchen or the rest of the building. They seemed to guard the door though, so we remained seated. We didn't think this was a threatening flock, so we didn't want to show any aggression. After a minute of silence, one of them brought us back a Mickey Mouse bobble head that was clearly dug out of the dirt recently. We smiled, thanked it, and shuffled out of the building. I still have the cleaned bobble head on the desk. While highly abnormal, Chickadee and I agree that this does not seem to be a threat. I, Feather, suggest a peaceful arrangement."

EDIT 8/1/2013: Suggestion has passed.

Results

With permission and support (there seems to be a lack of health inspectors), the Supervisors have allowed us to staff the Burger King from the same hiring pool that we hire our own workers (and with the same or similar training, see the Fourth Amendment of the Boring Agreement for further details). The crows seemed sad to not be able to staff the restaurant themselves, but we now give them a fraction of the profits (only coins) and allow them in on meetings. We feed them Burger King burgers, and we allow them to deliver takeout to the Wilson's Wildlife Solutions offices at night. Morale for both parties has been soaring since then (except for Sarah Gardner, we make sure she doesn't see the birds).

As per requests, they aren't allowed with any paraphernalia in public. I, Gary Harp, suggest that we have more meetings. Our black feathered buddies really, really like the meetings.

EDIT 9/25/2013: Suggestion has passed.

Status: Dealt With
Reported: Affirmative
Further Action: Expected

Good job, guys!

Addendum-3466-B | Suspected Influence of an Outside Entity
An MTF Beta-4 / GoI-466 joint investigation of the building yielded a scattered pile of legal papers on the desk of the manager's office. Along with all expected papers, a paper that appears to imply the transaction through which SCP-3466 acquired the Burger King was found. The document is transcribed below:

Peck Your Own Bird Feeder
Business
for Cheep


Have you ever wanted
business?
Do you yearn for small shiny objects? I, Dr. Cawthorne, may be able to help you. Hello, I am Dr. Cawthorne. I have been trained in
business,
and I know how to get you your very own
business.
But what is
business?

All it will take are
4
easy payments of
4
quarters, and I, Dr. Cawthorne, will be able to give you your very own
business.

You will be able to run it how you want to run it, as long as you sign all of the
business
papers that I will send to you once the money giving is complete. You may choose from

Meat patties seller
Meat slurries seller
Paper objects seller
Lightning cords seller
and
Dialysis clinic

You may give your quarters to your local Cawthorne
business
representor. Have a good day. Jump out of your nest and

Spread your
business
wings

Along with the paper, a pile of business cards promoting a "Dr. Cawthorne: Doctorate in Business" was found. While some words such as "Prime Dealer of Big Bird Feeders!" were legible, others, such as the phone number and address, were written in short vertical marks.

page revision: 19, last edited: 11 Apr 2018 20:44
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