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nn5n: scp-3476 Grampa\'s Had About Enough Of Your Sass
EuclidSCP-3476 Grampa\'s Had About Enough Of Your SassRate: 14

Footage taken of SCP-3476-1 attempting to hack a computer system in a MC&D resort, where it had fled after breaching containment.

Item #: SCP-3476

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3476 is to be kept in a locked box, with the handle obstructed by a cubic cast. The cast may only be removed with permission from level 3 or higher personnel. D-class personnel that have been hosts of SCP-3476-1 in the past are to be used as hosts again in testing if available, otherwise D-class personnel with no notable skills or any classified knowledge are to be used.

Prior to transforming into SCP-3476-1, the host's limbs are to be restrained. Suppression of SCP-3476-1 is only to be performed through application of sedative gasses, and subsequent removal of SCP-3476.

Any information yielded by SCP-3476-1 during interviews is to be recorded.

Description: SCP-3476 is a wooden walking cane, 1.2 meters in length. Carved alongside the handle is the phrase "Für Opa, mit liebe."1 SCP-3476 is made up of an unknown type of wood, showing higher than normal levels of hardness and durability, as well as reduced flammability. Any damage inflicted upon SCP-3476 repairs itself over a period of time ranging from 3 days to 4 weeks, with more serious damage taking longer to repair. Damage inflicted upon SCP-3476 will appear upon manifestations of SCP-3476-1.

If any humanoid entity holds SCP-3476 by the handle, they will instantaneously transform into SCP-3476-1. SCP-3476-1 is an elderly, balding caucasian male, estimated 80-90 years of age, standing 2.1 meters tall and weighing 113 kg. SCP-3476-1 most commonly wears corduroy pants, leather loafers and a checkered button-down shirt, although other clothing has been observed, regardless of what the host was wearing before transformation. The transformed state ends upon SCP-3476 being removed from SCP-3476-1's possession for more than 8 seconds. Hosts are able to recall all events occurring while transformed, witnessed from the visual perspective of SCP-3476-1, but have reported no control over these events.

Testing has shown that SCP-3476-1 is a single recurring entity, and retains memories from all appearances. Additionally, SCP-3476-1 gains all knowledge and memories of its host upon transformation, and this information is not lost upon the transformed state ending. SCP-3476-1 is also immune to physical injury, as any damage inflicted will instead manifest on the host's body upon exiting the transformed state. Injuries also tend to increase in severity, consistent with how severe the injuries would be if experienced by a person similar in age to SCP-3476-1. This transference only occurs with physical trauma, and does not redirect the effects of ingested materials such as sedative gasses.

SCP-3476-1 has repeatedly demonstrated a short temper, and mild annoyance for most Foundation personnel or authority figures in general. Despite this, SCP-3476-1 has been shown to be willing to cooperate in several cases, specifically those where it is in a position of leadership or control, or when acting against other groups it shows distaste towards. When not in the aforementioned position, SCP-3476-1 will attempt to breach containment whenever possible, often utilizing SCP-3476 as a melee weapon against personnel while verbally berating them. In addition to this, it will use any useful information or skills gained from its host to further its escape, such as passcodes gained from personnel. The one exception to SCP-3476-1's temper is when it is dealing with younger or inexperienced persons, during which time it attempts to take on a "teacher" role, and shows much more patience than normal.

Recovery: SCP-3476 was recovered during a raid on a Serpent's Hand warehouse. The hostile operatives were in the process of transporting several anomalies, including SCP-3476, SCP-████, and SCP-████. The raid was successful, but all hostile parties escaped. SCP-3476's anomalous properties were discovered when a Serpent's Hand member attempted to use it to steady themselves after being struck in the head, seemingly unaware of its abilities. The transformation into SCP-3476-1 then occurred, followed by SCP-3476-1 attacking its former captors, alongside any Foundation personnel it mistook as such. Due to assimilating knowledge from its host, SCP-3476-1 was able to perform several kinetoglyphs to aid in its battle, and was noted to scream "I'll take you to the Library, Snake-███████" before forcefully inserting SCP-3476 into a Serpent's Hand operative's left nostril. SCP-3476 was successfully contained when the detonation of a grenade knocked it from SCP-3476-1's hand, undoing the transformation.

Post-Recovery Interview:

Interviewer: Dr. Sambre

Interviewed: SCP-3476-1, transformed from D-10334

Objective: Further ascertain SCP-3476's abilities, and recover knowledge gained by SCP-3476-1 from the Serpent's Hand operative.


Dr. Sambre: Now then, now that the raid has been resolved, we can begin the cataloging process. SCP-3476-1, can you te-

SCP-3476-1: Esseepee-dash-whooziwhatsit? What's that, my expiration date?

Dr. Sambre: That is your new designation, it is how we will be referring to you from now on. Do you have another name?

SCP-3476-1: Most folks call me "Grampa". Eh, whatever.

Dr. Sambre: Very well. Now then, sir, could you tell us where your anomalous properties come from?

SCP-3476-1: What? Oh, the cane. My grandson had it made it for me after I taught him how to fish. Nifty thing, ain't it? The kid didn't want me to get old and die. So he crammed my soul into the cane. Of course, when the thing got stolen, my body didn't fare too well without it. Eventually, the cane decided that any old body would do. Heh.

Dr. Sambre: Your grandson did all that? Please elaborate.

SCP-3476-1: No.

Dr. Sambre: SCP-3476-1, please cooperate. We have everyone's best interests in mind.

SCP-3476-1: Still no. Y'see, I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I get a little something every time I pop into somebody. And this here fella knows a bit about how you do things here. And because he knows, I know that if I tell you about the boy, you'll swarm him like the geese that shit on my lawn. And then from there, you'll try to get at the rest of my family. I'm already putting a burden on them with my age, no way I'm gonna get a bunch of goons trying to lock them up.

At this point, SCP-3476-1 stands up and grips SCP-3476 before moving towards the door.

Dr. Sambre: I'm afraid you can't leave. Will I have to call security, or will you cooperate? We still would like to hear the information you assimilated from-

SCP-3476-1: -Those snake twerps? Please. They're goddamn idiots, my dog could tear apart their library and eat all the books. Still, looks like you guys want it, so you need me. Here's a deal for ya: let me out of here so I can go home, and maybe I'll phone you labcoats a tidbit once in a while. Tell you what, I'll give you something for now. The snakes are [REDACTED], about a week from now. Now in exchange, get me some soft-boiled eggs. How's a man supposed to do anything without food?

Dr. Sambre: I think that can be arranged, thank you for your cooperation. I think this interview is over for now. I hope that next time, we can help each other out even more. Maybe you'll eventually tell us about your family?

SCP-3476-1: Not a chance. I'd like to spare them and you all the trouble.


After the interview was concluded, SCP-3476-1 was rendered unconscious via aerosolized sedatives, and SCP-3476 was removed from D-10334 and placed in storage. D-10334 reported a strong desire for soft-boiled eggs and general crankiness for the following 4 days, which may be considered a side-effect of personality imprinting.

Addendum 1: On ██/██/████, 8 months after initial recovery of SCP-3476, a group of anartists attacked Site-47 with the intent of stealing several anomalies, and implanting memetic agents in staff that would result in large-scale breaches in several other sites. At the time, SCP-3476-1 was in an interview, and upon alarms sounding escaped into the hall to evade pursuers. Upon reaching the aboveground levels and spotting an anartist, SCP-3476-1 was observed to freeze and utter the phrase "Hippies" with contempt. After this, security cameras were damaged, but the following audio was able to be recorded.

SCP-3476-1: Hey you. Yeah, you, the kid whose mother was a peacock. In the rainbow rags.

Unknown A (presumably an anartist operative): The fuck? Hey, Derek, there's some old dude talking trash.

SCP-3476-1: Wrong. I'm not talking trash, I'm talking to it.

Unknown B: Wait, dude. He isn't one of those scientists, and he's not, like, wearing a jumpsuit. He's gotta be locked up by the Man! He's like us! Hey! Come on, join us! We're here to free you!

Unkown A: Oh, yeah! Come on, let's stick it to the Man!

SCP-3476-1: I'm the man, and I'm about to be the one sticking it to you. Sorry, up you. Get over here, ya little miscreants, let me beat that dye out of your hair for you. I'll teach you how to behave, so that maybe one day you'll actually give something back to society!

Unknown A: Oh, so you're a problem piece. We're not gonna take this. Derek, use one of those water balloon things.

Unknown B: …It's called a bubble-bomb globe.

Roughly a second of silence, followed by a loud bang and sounds of splashing can be heard, accompanied by aggressive swearing from SCP-3476-1.

SCP-3476-1: Okay, listen here ya little dumbasses. You can go around stickin' all the flowers in all the guns you want, but if you think for one goddamn second a water balloon is going to stop me, then I'd suggest offing yourself before I get over there and ██████, ██████ ███████ your █████ into █████████, so I can █████ █ ████ to beat you with. You're the kind of hooligans that tear up my Sandy's garden because you mistake parsley for the devil's lettuce!

Unknown B: Reggie, it didn't work!

Unknown A: HE'S GOT MY LEG!

SCP-3476-1: Jesus, you really have no muscle mass, though I could tell that by the way flowers wilt in your presence. Come on, at least flail around or something. I've had more difficulty reeling in a goddamn boot from the riverbed.

Several heavy blows and grunts can be heard, alongside sporadic screams.

SCP-3476-1: There. And as for you, I'm guessing you needed the water balloon because it's the only way you'll ever get a lady wet. Here's a tip, try not dressing like somebody executed a clown all over you. Get a tan, for chrissakes.

Unknown B: S-stay back, man!

SCP-3476-1: No.

Unknown B: (Frenzied Screaming)

Afterwards, the section of Site-47 the audio was retrieved from was found to be heavily flooded, and upon de-transformation the host expired due to a large wound in the chest, presumably from an anomalous weapon utilized by an anartist operative. Two unconscious anartists were recovered, each sporting a variety of wounds including [REDACTED]. The subjects were successfully interrogated, with both of them promising to reveal information under the condition that "Gramps stays away from them." Possible utilization of SCP-3476 as a method of interrogation is pending approval.

Addendum 2: On ██/██/████, 10 months after initial containment, an unmarked package arrived at Site-47. Inside the package were 6 soft-boiled eggs, and the following document.

Hey, Grampa!

I'm glad to hear you're still doing well. I heard through the grapevine that somebody beat up a bunch of artist guys and librarians with a cane, so I checked in and sure enough, it was you! Hang tight with those scientists for a bit, I'm getting together the rest of the family to come pick you up. We should do it by June, so we can spend the 4th of July together like we always do. See you soon!

Love, ███████

P.S. I included some eggs, just the way you like them. That should tide you over until we get there!

P.P.S. Scientist guys, don't eat the eggs.

Research into the person who sent the letter and the rest of the "family" is underway. The aforementioned group is to be considered a potential Group of Interest, or Persons of Interest. Security around SCP-3476 has increased in anticipation of a raid in June. The eggs displayed no anomalous properties, and were given to SCP-3476-1 as a reward for yielding information. Upon receiving them, SCP-3476-1 laughed, and said "About time I got out of here". The document was not given to SCP-3476-1, so it is unknown how it knew of its family's plan to free it.

page revision: 6, last edited: 13 Jul 2018 10:50
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