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nn5n: scp-2867 No, Not The Cheese
KeterSCP-2867 No, Not The CheeseRate: 10

Item #: SCP-2867

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: A single 1kg sample is to be stored in a standard airtight containment locker at Site-76. All cases of SCP-2867 confirmed or presumed out of containment are to be reported to MTF-Rho-87 ("Gorgonzola's Revenge") for confirmation, extraction and destruction. SCP-2867 cannot be handled without the use of a standard-issue HAZMAT suit. Any individuals who ingest or otherwise consume SCP-2867 are to be considered lost and summarily terminated.

Description: SCP-2867 is a compulsive memetic and physical infection surrounding an unknown amount of gorgonzola cheese produced by POI-17357, 'Jack Terrence', and GOI-49452, 'Terrence Farms', in the Pacific North-West of the United States. SCP-2867 has a compulsive effect on subjects who ingest it, which causes the subject to actively attempt to spread the infection of SCP-2867 to others, eat even more cheese, and eventually [DATA EXPUNGED] (See Infection Timeline). Infected subjects are hereby referred to as SCP-2867-1. SCP-2867 infection can be identified with three main traits: an obsession with cheese, glazed eyes, and an incredibly elevated heart rate and rate of saliva production. An infection timeline and additional symptoms of infection can be seen in Addendum 2867-A.

Infection Subject: D-49013
Infection Duration: Hour 1 - Hour 168
Observing Researcher: Researcher ██████████
Hour 1: Initial infection. Subject exposed to approximately 20g of SCP-2867. Subject reacts favourably to SCP-2867 and requests more. Request denied.

Hour 1-5: Subject paces around the room, muttering. Microphones pick up the names of over 600 cheeses, and multiple as-of-yet unknown names, assumed to be cheeses.

Hour 5-6: Subject talks through the door to Researcher ██████████, attempting to start a conversation about cheese. Researcher ██████████ doesn't respond, but the Subject continues to converse.

Hour 6-24: Subject crawls on the floor, licking around the area where the cheese was located. 18 hours of searching produced no recognisable effect.

Hour 24-26: Subject repeats the recipe and creation process of Brie twelve times in a row.

Hour 26-48: Subject sleeps. Subject displays a case of somniloquy, with the topic of focus exclusively being cheese.

Hour 48-49: Subject chews fingernails entirely.

Hour 49-51: Subject is given 5 kilograms of cheddar cheese. Subject fully consumes all cheese over a two-hour period.

Hour 51-52: Subject bangs on door, demanding more cheese and threatening Researcher ██████████. Subject repeats the phrase 'make you love it' forty-nine times during the outburst.

Hour 52-100: Subjects sits in corner, staring blankly. The subject's eyes have become glassy, and his skin is turning gray.

Hour 100-120: Subject secretes a yellow, gelatinous substance from his pores and projects it from his mouth, tear ducts, nostrils, and all other orifices. The substance coats the wall and floor in a two-meter radius and begins to build up and solidify around him.

Hour 120-130: Substance takes on the appearance of gorgonzola cheese, and begins to mould into circular shapes. Standard blue veins begin to grow outwards from the centre of the mass, and multiple circular shapes begin to form.

Hour 130-160: Gorgonzola growth has fully moulded into twenty-seven different varieties, shapes, and sizes of gorgonzola cheese wheels. Some cheese wheels show brand markings from reputable sources including Il Giardino and Taddei, both known gorgonzola producers, whilst other wheels show no branding. A single small wheel, weighing approximately 0.4 kilograms, forms at the top of the pile, with a single label marked Terrence Farms Gorgonzola - Perfect for spreading! - little organic subject matter is left.

Hour 160-168: Subject has been fully eroded and transformed. All cheese wheels except for the labelled 'Terrence Farms' wheel are removed and incinerated. No trace of D-49013 is left. GOI-49452 'Terrence Farms' declared a matter of interest.

Notes: This test has brought up two very, very worrisome conclusions; the first being that the SCP-2867 reproduces by producing indistinguishable copies of branded cheese, which constitutes a major containment breach in and of itself, but also that there is a strong possibility that 'Terrence Farms' is mass-producing, or at least produced the original wheel, of SCP-2867. Our first priority should be finding whoever made this stuff and shutting them down. Dr. Faisal.

After initial ingestion, instances of SCP-2867-1 will search only for more SCP-2867 variety gorgonzola, but instances denied SCP-2867 for an extended period of time will extend to eating normal gorgonzola and other cheeses of a similar flavour, texture, and scent. Instances of SCP-2867-1 will ingest copious amounts of cheese with little regard for their own safety; this often leads to death in the subject by intestinal rupture or suffocation. They will also try to make their own SCP-2867 using inadequate tools and ingredients; often leading to injury or poisoning. Instances will also actively encourage the consumption of SCP-2867 by other people around them; even going so far as to feed it to domestic pets, livestock, and pests. Instances of a SCP-2867-1 also attempt to avoid violence and conflict in their methods of transmission; but will resort to extreme methods after multiple days of infection. SCP-2867's effect extends to almost all biological creatures, with notable exceptions seen in Ecdysozoa Tardigrada and most species of reptiles. Research into these exceptions is ongoing.

Knowledge of SCP-2867 was recovered from instances of SCP-2867-1 in Seattle, Washington, after five men, all employees at a local cheese shop, gorged themselves to death on cheese. Three witnesses were recovered; one of which was discovered to be in the early stages of SCP-2867-1 infection.

Interviewee: James █████ (Refered to as I)
Interviewer: Dr. Pradesh (Refered to as P)
Foreword: The interviewed instance was recovered from the incident in Seattle. After the administration of sedatives, Dr. Pradesh was able to communicate in a semi-civil manner. This interview marks the Foundation's first knowledge of the existence of SCP-2867.

P: So, Mr. █████. Would you mind telling us what happened with you?

I: What? Sure, sure… do you have any cheese?

P: Cheese?

I: Yeah' y'know, like emmental, edam, mozzarella, cheddar, haloumi, gouda, Swiss, blue cheese, Parmesan, camembert, Brie, fêta, goat cheese, chelsea, aggiano, Monterey Jack…

P: Hey, uh-

I: Kanterfaas, gruyère, nicasio, havilah, chevre, mondseer, redoric, comte, chevretin, roquefort, Munster… what do you think of cheese?

P: It's… I don't mind it.

I: I love the stuff. Didn't always, but then I had this really good cheese. Gorgonzola. I remember it perfectly… this guy came into the shop. Said he'd made a great cheese. And oh, it was the best. It was just…

P: Yes?

I: Just so good, y'know? And the guy, he had this air about him, like he knew stuff. Like, cool stuff. I think his name was… Jack? Jack Terrence? I think that was it. God, I wish I could meet him. It was the best cheese.

P: I see. What did you do after you tried his cheese?

I: It was incredible. I mean, I couldn't keep it to myself. Everyone deserves to try that. I reckon you'd like it. Whaddya think of Gorgonzola?

P: Well, I'd have to say I prefer a nice Brie.

I: …

P: James?


Mr. █████ lunged towards Dr. Pradesh, producing a small chunk of SCP-2867 he had stashed on his person. Mr. █████ managed to get Dr. Pradesh to ingest a small portion of SCP-2867 before he was shot by the attending Security Officer, Officer Stone, hereby refered to as S.

S: Doctor, are you alright?!

P: John, this is gonna sound weird, but you gotta try this. It's bloody incredible!

Dr. Pradesh started moving towards Officer Stone, but was summarily terminated. SCP-2867 declared a compulsive memetic hazard, and POI-17357, 'Jack Terrence', given top recovery priority.

Addendum 2867-B: In the months following the Seattle Incident, multiple cases of behaviour similar to that of SCP-2867 infection were reported in cities in the Pacific Northwest, including Spokane, Boise, Portland, and Vancouver. In light of this information, and the growing possibility of wide-spread infection through public consumption, MTF-Rho-87 ("Gorgonzola's Revenge") has been formed to locate SCP-2867's source.

On ██/██/2017, a new strain of SCP-2867 was discovered on the shelves of multiple supermarkets throughout the city of Boise, Idaho. A mozzarella cheese, branded with the Terrence Farms logo, was sold out within two hours at all supermarkets by four men, who were reported to exclaim that they'd 'found the best cheese ever!'. One of the men, identified as ████ █████, was tracked to his home. He and two of the other men were found in a state consistent with week-long exposure, despite a time frame of only three hours having passed. The fourth unnidentified man is presumed to have been fully transformed, and is being searched for.
This is the first case of SCP-2867 appearing as a cheese other than gorgonzola, appearing en masse in public, and reproducing within a day. I'm commisioning the creation of a dedicated group to deal with this. All information regarding SCP-2867 is to be sent to Dr. Faisal, new acting head of MTF-Rho-87, 'Gorgonzola's Revenge'.

Addendum 2867-C: SCP-2867's source has been tracked to an industrial cheese plant in Chilliwhack, BC. See MTF-Rho-87 After Action Report.

page revision: 6, last edited: 28 Mar 2017 09:34
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