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nn5n: scp-3622 Agile, Handle with Care
KeterSCP-3622 Agile, Handle with CareRate: 30
SCP-3622

Anomalous Item Entry

Item #: SCP-3622

Object Class: Keter



Last updated by R. Diaghilev, 31/12/2017 23:59:59 UTC. [REDACTED]
Display version: Level 3/3622 [Redacted Elements: 7 | Redaction supervisor: D. Nedjelski ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d#ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d ]


Special Containment Procedures:


Instances of SCP-3622-1 are to be contained whenever possible, through a combination of misinformation, talent acquisition, and corporate sabotage. In the event that instances of SCP-3622-1 must be taken into Foundation custody, they are to be held in temporary standard humanoid containment for 72 hours, and issued class A amnestics.

Under no circumstances are SCP-3622-1 instances to be contained together, except during testing.

In the event of SCP-3622 infection reaching unmanageable levels, instances of SCP-3622-1 are either to be acquired by the Foundation, or to be encouraged to seek employment at other organizations by Foundation agents.

Suspicions of SCP-3622 infection in Foundation software teams is to be reported immediately. All persons suspected of SCP-3622 infection are not to participate in any Agile methodology meetings, or proceedings until SCP-3622 infection is either ruled out, or wears off.

In the event of a mass outbreak of SCP-3622-1, termination is authorized in select circumstances. Please see Document SCP-3622-T-EX for circumstances and approval chain.


Prepared by Dr. D. Nedjelski, Agent R. Donnarson, 17/4/2017 11:23:51 UTC. ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d#ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d, ten.pcs.ces|nosrannod.r#ten.pcs.ces|nosrannod.r


Description:


SCP-3622 is a memetic effect which affects computer programmers exposed to SCP-3622's infection vectors. SCP-3622 affects any human who creates, modifies, or maintains software and uses Agile development methodologies1. Affected subjects are collectively designated SCP-3622-1.

SCP-3622-1 instances will begin to introduce minor delays in any daily meetings, development processes, or productivity tools that they interact with, until said processes are brought to a complete stand-still. SCP-3622-1 will also pass SCP-3622 on to any other humans qualifying as SCP-3622-1 hosts.

SCP-3622's primary transmission occurs through a hallucinatory entity, which appears on software development teams through anomalous means. This entity takes the form of a managerial employee, usually deemed an "efficiency consultant", which creates the initial infection vector. Universally, this entity disappears within 24 hours of initial infection. Members of the software team then become instances of SCP-3622-1 and become the secondary infection vector. SCP-3622's effect is passed on by instances of SCP-3622-1 through currently unknown anomalous means.

In most subjects, SCP-3622's effects will cease to manifest after 72 hours, if isolated from other instances of SCP-3622-1. Several cases have significantly longer, or significantly shorter periods of time. All individuals showing this discrepancy have brain stem disorders or deformaties.


Prepared by Dr. D. Nedjelski, 17/4/2017 11:14:55 UTC. ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d#ten.pcs.hcrsr|ikslejden.d

Updated Effect Vector


Persons with disorders affecting the brain stem were particularly affected significantly shorter (sometimes for minutes or less), until ██/██/████, corresponding to an "update" to SCP-3622. (See Addendum 4).


Attached by Dr. L. Oliviera, 22/9/2017 17:22:67 UTC. ten.pcs.hcrsr|areivilo.l#ten.pcs.hcrsr|areivilo.l


Attached Addenda

Discovery Report


SCP-3622 was discovered on ██/██/████ when Foundation agents placed at [REDACTED] Inc. reported significantly fewer salient data points over a six week period. Foundation assets brought the agents in under the guise of extended sabbatical.

Agents Kuthrupali and Saksena recovered from the effects of SCP-3622 after 72 hours.

The following is a transcript of an initial interview with Agents Saksena and Kuthrupali.

Interviewer: Dr. S. Callaghan, Department of Psychology.
Interviewed: Agents Saksena and Kuthrupali

Date of Interview: 16/6/2017, 09:22:34 UTC

===

Doctor Callaghan: So tell me what happened.

Agent Saksena: It all seemed so normal. Our standups were around five or ten minutes, right?

Agent Kuthrupali: Ten at the outside.

Doctor Callaghan: Right, and?

Agent Saksena: They started getting longer. Like, a lot longer. We went from giving updates, to giving code reviews, to giving in depth discussions about methodology and style. It seemed so normal, like…for real. I didn't even notice.

Agent Kuthrupali: The average got up to like…four hours. Sometimes more. It was even worse with the git repo2. I swear, when we got pulled out, I was on page six of my referenced commit message which explained why I used the syntax I did, it was insane.

Doctor Callaghan: Any idea when it started?

Agent Saksena: Looking back, yeah. It's pretty obvious it was right around the time that Steve, at least I think his name was Steve, joined. But here's the crazy part, now that whatever the hell was going on, isn't going on, I'm really really certain Steve isn't real.

Agent Kuthrupali: I think he's right. Steve joined in September, as an… efficiency consultant? So we had to listen to them. We resisted at first, until the changes became mandatory. Then it was like, we wanted to make them.

Doctor Callaghan: What sorts of things changed other than what you've mentioned?

Agent Kuthrupali: Good example, our documentation wiki.

Agent Saksena: Christ. Yeah.

Doctor Callaghan: Mmm?

Agent Kuthrupali: Okay, so normally with software, it's like document it well enough to work, but get the work done. By the time December rolls around, I was writing two or three pages of wiki text, per ten lines of code. Like, explaining every assignment and variable name.

Agent Saksena: I can't stress this enough. It all seemed so normal.

Doctor Callaghan: Well, your brain waves show no anomalous activity. You guys'll be on leave for a few more days, then probably assigned to desk work for now.

Agent Kuthrupali: Understood. Thanks doc.

Agent Saksena: No problem, thanks doctor.

Doctor Callaghan: That's it, you can shut off the tape.

===

END OF LOG



Prepared by Dr. S. Callaghan, 17/6/2017 03:22:21 UTC. ten.pcs.dem|nahgallac.s#ten.pcs.dem|nahgallac.s

Effect Clarification

Generally, SCP-3622 will slow down a specific team to the point where the developers will come in to work, consume resources, and produce no viable work. As reported in debriefing transcripts, this slow down will not seem out of the ordinary to instances of SCP-3622-1.

Extended observation of SCP-3622 and SCP-3622-1 instances at Bond Street LLC have produced several examples of SCP-3622 behaviors:

  • Daily meetings (commonly referred to as "standups") to discuss progress on ongoing software projects increase in duration steadily. Average duration increase is between 7 and 12 minutes per week, and appears to have a final duration of a maximum of eight hours.
  • Issue tracking descriptions growing increasingly complex, and implementing arbitrary rules for style.
  • Version tracking complexity increasing until general codebase changes are near, or total zero.
  • Documentation requirements sharply increasing for arbitrary reasons, which are rapidly abandoned.


Prepared by Agent Saksena, 15/8/2017 02:14:27 UTC. ten.pcs.ofni|aneskas.a.a#ten.pcs.ofni|aneskas.a.a

Escalation of Effects and Confirmed Use of SCP-3622


On ██/██/████ the Foundation intercepted a mass email to several organizations (see Document-3622-1) confirmed to be using SCP-3622, regarding installation and setup instructions for a new version of the SCP-3622 software.

According to the attached email, the effects of SCP-3622 have been changed and intensified. See text below:

To: Valued Clients <g=clients_list>
From: Mike Summers <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|sremmusm#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|sremmusm>
CC: Ledenoff Sales <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas>, WACS Support <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|troppus.scaw#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|troppus.scaw>, QUQA Dev Ops <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|tsid_spo_ca_uq#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|tsid_spo_ca_uq>
Hey all, this is Mike,

As we promised, we're releasing version 2.2.7 this weekend. Please shut down your clusters, and make sure that ports 22, 80, and [REDACTED] are open to our servers, as the upgrade will only work if it's verified through our servers on port [REDACTED].

We're really excited about this one! Issue tracking is always a hassle in the end, haha! We've also fixed a few nasty bugs, most significantly an edge case which nearly negated Quaesturas™ benefits in certain circumstances. Thanks for the great bug reports, guys!

If anyone still hasn't upgraded their cluster software or hardware from the last version, please email us for support immediately. Your support contract will expire without updated hardware!

Thanks again for being loyal Quaesturas™ customers.

We look forward to your continual support and patronage.

Mike Summers,
CEO
Ledenoff Technologies

After this email was intercepted, observations at [REDACTED] Inc. showed additional instances of SCP-3622-1 throughout multiple locations belonging to their competitors, apparently spread through the target's issue tracking software. Additional investigation into instances of SCP-3622 at other organizations showed the same patterns, indicating this "upgrade" to the "Quaesturas" software expanded its anomalous effect significantly.

Most significantly the original timing discrepancy found in subjects with brain stem disorders was no longer observed.


Prepared by Technician B. Solano, 15/8/2017 09:14:55 UTC. ten.pcs.ved|onalos.b#ten.pcs.ved|onalos.b

Initial Contact with Potential GoI/PoI


Ledenoff Technologies is incorporated in Wilmington, Delaware, within the United States. Foundation agents approached the organizations registered business address under the guise of a Foundation shell company, with overtures to purchase the software and hardware components which cause SCP-3622. Foundation Agents were dispatched to their corporate headquarters in Toronto, Canada. After six hours within the office building, contact with the agents was lost.

Six minutes after loss of contact, an email was sent to the shell corporation email server.

Attached is the text of the email received:

To: Daniel Kaber <moc.noidlaks|22rebakd#moc.noidlaks|22rebakd>
From: Mike Summers <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|sremmusm#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|sremmusm>
CC: Ledenoff Sales <moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas>, Skaldion Distributed <moc.noidlaks|tsid_ks#moc.noidlaks|tsid_ks>

Hey there, Mike here,

I'm sure we can come to some kind of agreement here, but you're gonna have to get serious.

Our technology is the real deal. If we could give you a client list (which we can't, of course, haha), you'd be shocked at the names on it. Everyone uses us!

Unfortunately, we have a strict no-proxy policy with our clients. If your "Foundation" would like to acquire a Quaesturas™ cluster, we're more than willing to negotiate. Keep in mind however, we have a very strict usage limit for the Quaesturas™ cluster technologies. We expect all of our clients to keep it to a reasonable level, and will intervene if we feel this technology is being abused.

Our basic plan will require the following in terms of physical space for the hardware: [Link redacted. Link leads to a PDF document with space, and power requirements for computer hardware].

Additionally, you'll need to provide space for at least three Quaesturas™ key-men on site. Each will require the following dietary regimine, through a feeding tube: [Link redacted. Link leads to a PDF document with dietary guidelines for what appeared to be three anomalous individuals].

Our basic plan starts around $22 Million, but we can probably negotiate a bulk discount considering the size of your organization!

We have higher plans available of course, and custom solutions are available.

Reach out to us at moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas#moc.seigolonhcetffonedel|selas if you're interested!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Mike Summers
CEO
Ledenoff Technologies

P.S. Your corporate goons are back at home! They'll be fine.


Agents Danvers and Callavatra were found in their homes with no memory of their time in the Ledenoff Technologies offices.

Foundation agents infiltrated the Ledenoff Technologies office building, but discovered no evidence of Ledenoff technologies within the building. The office space registered to the corporation was unoccupied, but still paid monthly by a registered Ledenoff Technologies account.

Power and internet usage for the building included a large portion going to the 17th floor, which was registered to Ledenoff Technologies.

Surveillance of the entrance to the building has proven non-viable, as to date, no employees of Ledenoff Technologies have been identified other than "Mike Summers", the apparent CEO.

Mike Summers (designated PoI-████) graduated from Carnegie Mellon university in 2002, with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Science. Foundation agents raided the registered address of Mike Summers in Toronto; however, the apartment appears to have been abandoned for some time.

Mike Summers was reported missing from 2003 to 2006. Several sightings were made in Sochi, Russia, as well as the Balkan Region around this time. Ledenoff Technologies was founded by Mike Summers in 2007. According to incorporation records, two names were on the original ownership forms. The original copies of these forms were lost during the switch to an electronic tracking system for the incorporating entity in 2008. Amended ownership forms only list Mike Summers as the owner and CEO of Ledenoff Technologies. Passport records who that an individual listed as "K. Ledenoff" was recorded as entering Canada with Mike Summers in 2007.

Information regarding K. Ledenoff can be forwarded to Director Stephenson. At this time, it is believed that K. Ledenoff is a potential PoI, due to their potential involvement in [REDACTED]3.


Last updated by R. Diaghilev (REDACTION PROTOCOL CHANGED)3, 31/12/2017 23:59:59 UTC. [REDACTED]
Prepared by Agent Saksena, 15/10/2017 14:41:16 UTC. ten.pcs.ofni|aneskas.a.a#ten.pcs.ofni|aneskas.a.a

page revision: 5, last edited: 23 Jan 2018 07:42
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